Online Counseling: Life and Business Coaching
About Dr. Joe + Publications and Resources
Dr. Joe's academic and popular articles and videos reflect his various professional activities along the years:
- Online Management and Business coach
- Psychologist and Marriage Counselor in Israel
- Academic Lecturer / Researcher
What is Online Relationship Advice Counseling
What is traditional Marriage Counseling
First Two Steps of Life Coaching
Intervention Tools via Online Counseling
The Identifying Client and the Real client
About the 'WHY' Question: the hidden motivation
Finding the WHY:
WHY 1st Case Study
WHY 2nd Case Study
Recent Articles (Below In This Page)
Marriage Counseling Advice
What is Online Coaching Counseling
Life Coach Relationship Advice
Leadership At Home
Learning Principles and Marriage Counseling
100 Years of Marriage Counseling Theories
There is Hope for Abused Wives!
The 'Do' and the 'Don't
Find Your Life Coach
New Emotional Ties
The Wife Survived
Being in Love
Happiness in Marriage
Acquiring The Communication Talent
Marriage Counseling Advice: Male Partners Must Do It Too
Dr. Joseph Abraham
Helping people to adjust their behaviors and better their relationships is one of Life Coach’s greatest rewards.
This article summarizes the case with J. who recently contacted me about her husband way to show dominance and control.
Helping people to adjust their behaviors in order to better their relationships is a gratifying job. It can be just the slightest change in behavior which will allow people to have a more fulfilling and stronger relationship. Through Online Marriage Relationship Coaching I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes that bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her marriage. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn't stand it any longer. "My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything." "I am not his freaking maid! It's not my job to clean up his mess all the time." J. angrily complained to me.
Her voice seemingly bared all of her frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., "collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue." J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation. "He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother."
I couldn't help but notice her using the possessive term "MY" here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. "Is the two year old his?" J. told me. "No, it's mine from a previous relationship." I advised J. to continue her story. "I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!" Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation. J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. "He is supposed to fold the laundry but can't even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy." "After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I'll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, "What's for dinner?" I tell him, "Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing." "He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there."
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very important. "Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?" I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her: "Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?" J. replied: "I don't think there's any reason a guy can't help around the house. Most of the guys I know don't though. My friend's boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn't help around the house at all. None of them. I don't get it." She concluded.
A conventional Psychologist's assumption could be that this is the guy way to show dominance and control; the 'Passive-Aggressive' mode...
But my Life Coaching approach says that these are too far away speculations. I therefore said: we have to gather more information and agree upon an action plan. Marriage, I said, is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse's actions will trigger the other's, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband's behavioral pattern.
This was the point where the ground for a mutual sets of communications, based on my mentoring work, was established. My step-by-step Online Coaching process with J. indeed triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured behavioral change.
No, it was not an instant quick-fix Online Relationship Advice Counseling process; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for the couple to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
What is Online Coaching?
Dr. Joseph Abraham
Video-conferencing technology creates 'virtual reality' of face to face meetings, while we are not at the same place, but where our computer is.
Web-cam consultation is as powerful or meaningless as a "real" meeting.
The Online Border-less Coaching arena:
Online Counseling It is the process of interacting with a professional online in ongoing conversations in which the client and the
online coach / psychologist / counselor / consultant / advice provider - are in separate locations and utilize the phone or
e-mails or internet video-conferencing technology to communicate with each other. It is a relatively new modality of assisting individuals resolving life, relationship and business issues.
The coach / psychologist / counselor / professional / advice provider - does not offer traditional psychotherapy and does not treat mental or emotional medical disorders. However, this method of online counseling is flexible enough to address many Relationship difficulties which clients present to the Online Counselor, such as: couples and marriage relationship; coping difficulties, unhappiness from a current situation or stress due to an inefficient way of handling life or business missions.
The Online Coaching method also works well with people who have social anxiety and fear of failing constrains. 'Virtual Reality' meetings fit well with issues like sense of helplessness, difficulty to plan or to commit, anger at home, work or road and personal coping missions.
What is an online / web-cam counseling?
This technology allows to meet in our "virtual office", which is where our computers are. We will see each other with this Internet video-conferencing technology, so you can get your Online Coach even while you are traveling!!!
Web-cam consultation will have the same power as a real face to face meeting for helping people and organizations resolve issues like stress, relationships, decision making and strategy restructuring - while facing difficult situations.
The Pros and Cones
What can you gain when you consult online?
Online Coaching / professional counseling service can be very similar to the traditional face to face process.
Since there are no traveling costs - no distances to bridge and no parking fees - you may benefit from this
cost effective and user friendly method that efficiently allows one to handle a variety of behavioral themes: advice to overcome anxiety or stress related issues or fear of failure; mentoring to achieve goals or career coaching; intervention to resolve conflicts or traumas; and of course - assisting in management dilemmas.
More benefits are: 1. Clients can access services at almost any time, any day of the week; just have an access to the Internet.
2. Counseling sessions are suitable also for remote and under-served regions, as well as for those who are not highly mobile, since they can access services from any phone or internet portal anywhere in the world, 3. The sessions' nature provide confidentiality also for clients in small communities, and finally 4. The online method fits clients who are unwilling for a variety of reasons to seek face-to-face services.
The Major Limitations:
The delivery of online counseling service raises a number of important legal and ethical issues, most of which are as yet unresolved: determining the identity of the recipient of service, legal jurisdiction, and technical competence of the users.
Life Coach Relationship Advice: Be a Better Parent and a Better Husband
Dr. Joseph Abraham
Life requires us to handle multitasking missions; for men: dual-tasking at least.
L. contacted me for a Relationship Advice session regarding marriage and parenting. She had reached a point in her relationship with her husband where she was just completely and thoroughly frustrated with him and the situation she found herself in. “My husband made the decision for me to quit my job based on the cost of daycare vs. my teaching salary. Also the fact that he did not want to have to dress and take them to daycare in the morning influenced his decision as well.” She began. “Now that he is the only one providing income he believes that everything concerning the house and kids is my responsibility.”
I listened to L. very intently as she describe her situation. Indeed, marriage and parenting were intertwined. I wanted to make sure I was in fact getting the whole picture before I jumped to any conclusions regarding her relationship and her partner. As a Coach I could not offer constructive simple advice that would immediately allow her to build her relationship. I sensed that a mentoring modality is needed here.
L. went on to describe a scene similar to a TV show of the 40’s and 50’s. The ones where the father had a job and the mother took care of the house and kids. There is of course nothing wrong with this type of relationship and family setting IF it’s what both partners desire.
As a practical Life Coach
, it was apparent however, as L. continued describing her situation, that she was not happy and that it was most definitely not what she wanted. “We were fighting every night about who had to do the dishes or bathe the kids. I got tired of the bickering and didn't want the kids to hear us arguing over who "had" to give them a bath...so I came up with a schedule for every day of the week alternating dishes or bath. Each of us does one of these tasks while the other does the other and it alternates every night. It was fine for a few weeks...but now we are back to him saying that he does not understand why he has to give them a bath ever or do dishes. He should be able to come home, take a nap and play with the kids but that is where he believes his part of parenting responsibilities stops.” She paused here sighing in obvious exasperation then continued. “I have tried to explain to him that I need a little bit of down time too. Otherwise I was giving baths, getting kids in bed and doing dishes (and packing his lunches-another requirement) and not even sitting down until 9pm while he is on the couch at 7. How do I get him to see that I “AM” busy during the day and that I deserve his help and to rest in the evenings too? What do I do to keep the peace and also get help? I feel like a single parent!”
L. did clarify one more thing for me when I asked her about it. I was curious as to their partnership in taking care of the children on the weekends. “He gets mad if I leave him for even an hour with both kids awake in the evening or on the weekend. He expects me to take them both to the grocery store rather than letting me go when he is home....even though he would NEVER dream of taking them both with him.”
At this point, looking at the situation, I had to agree with L.; she was very much like a single parent who had a live-in part-time babysitter.
I assured L. that I could certainly understand her frustration. “Whoever still holds traditional 19th century view of parental roles is either blind or just mistaken” I advised L. I have no simple one line Parenting Advice to offer, I said, but through Online Coaching you both should certainly be able to remedy the situation. A structured guidance counseling program along a 2-3 months period should allow you to do that, I informed her.
These are the three themes of the Marriage and Parenting Advice program:
A. Attitude change: how do you value and assess each others strengths and abilities; identify life aspirations; family and parenting goals, and other challenges.
B. Acquiring the right child rearing practices and parenting style(s): how each parent can and should react and contribute to the children; what are the appropriate parental and gender role models?
C. Enriching marital communication, relationship, sexuality and mutual emotional growth.
Do not give up, I said; you both have a lot of work to do, but I’m sure you can handle it and even enjoy it. Since marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors, there are a lot of actions and behaviors that you could do that have the power to trigger your husband to transform his attitudes and parental style. Lead him to learn to enjoy his kids and help you both to enjoy each other in the process!
Leadership At Home Via Online Counseling
Dr. Joseph Abraham
The concepts of Leadership is explained and applied to the context of family life and parental role. The ways parents can see their children acting with loyalty, motivation and wish to please them are explained. These of course do not include inducing fear, guilt or the 'stick & carrot' method.
There are tough times in our family due to tension between us, the parents, and our two teen aged kids. They are less and less obeying the house rules. We do not want to go to formal family therapy sessions; we heard that Online Coaching could be effective enough to provide parental advice and relief. Can we get help to maintain our children's' discipline?
We can miss very quickly the point once we concentrate on the issue of obedience and discipline when talking about teen aged kids. It is, many times, a remedy for a failure, to pinpoint and zoom onto the children’s side, and dealing with THEIR defiant behavior.
We definitely can use Online Counseling processes, and first will deal with YOUR (the parents) value system. This will help to tern the question away from the issue of controlling the kids to the challenge of developing the right parental style(s) in order to educate, guide and lead them.
For that purpose I recommend you to take a look at YOUR end, and re-asses the nature of your Parental Leadership authoritative power.
Forget the …‘I’m your parent and therefore you do so and so because I say so’… when you deal with teen aged kids. It belongs to old days that are far gone.
No parent should trust that method to work well and for a long time, as it used to be. It is your problem if you tend to stick to it. If so, parents, you better wake up. We are at the 21st century.
The term of Parental Leadership is called for; the Coaching method will be enlisted.
What is LEADERSHIP?
The essence of leadership, in short, is the ability to build trust that creates sustained loyalty for you. It is also the process of influencing others to adopt and follow your directions and ideas. You, the parents, can be so and do so through modeling and relationship building.
No, your home is not the political arena, but yes, parents should develop and maintain their Parental Leadership position if they want their children to follow their guidelines and their house rules. And please note: leading is not ruling! Parents who are their kids’ leaders tend to worry less regarding the intensity of obedience that they have established and more about the charismatic bonds that they should create. They do not base their expectation on their children’s fear from punishment but on their kids’ decision to maintain their loyalty to their parents whom they appreciate.
Since leadership is built through Behavioral Modeling and relationship building, I’ll first explain the concept of Behavioral Modeling.
‘Leading by example’ or ‘walk your talk’ is Behavioral Modeling.
And you can check yourselves and your parenting style:
- do you, the parents, involve your kids with family budget planning and spending?
This is an opportunity to model financial awareness and responsibility.
- Do you expose them to the various ways you choose to refrain from substances while socializing?
This models them a decision making process regarding values and cultural norms.
Smart parents, therefore, choose to act wherever they are as if they are with their kids - who are constantly watching them. This awareness for your role as a model strengthens your ability, as a parent, to use the powerful method of Behavioral Modeling. The Online Counseling process is doing the teaching job here: shows you how to show them the ‘how you do’ before you expect them to do.
Finally, a few words about Relationship building: an on-going process that requires RECOGNITION and REWARDING.
The ‘recognition’ term: suppose your kids want to go to a certain activity that does not seem appropriate to you. Recognition means, in such a case, that you acknowledge their needs before you band their wish. It also means that you appreciate their gains if they would be able to attend and you are aware of their feeling of loss if at the end they would have to give up.
‘Rewarding’ does not necessarily lead parents to their pockets… Rewarding may be a warm ward, a comforting gesture, a thank you note or just an eye to eye look that reviles your wish to pay attention. And by the way: when was the last time that you forward one of those goodies to your kids? So here is another reason to get assistance: use the Online Counseling process to discuss and practice the 'do' and the 'do not' regarding rearing your kids.
So now, dear parents, I can finally conclude my answer:
Online Counseling is a very powerful tool to provide parental advice and guide how to re-structure Parental Leadership style(s) by choosing the proper activities and behaviors (re: Behavioral Modeling) that would bring your children, especially teen aged kids, to perceive you as their leading figures.
Another way to phrase it: depend on their acceptance and loyalty to the guidelines, not their obedience to you.